And the worst part about this is not having anybody to tell… I can tell you about the things I’ve been through, but I can’t tell you everything. I’m ashamed. And I’ve opened up to people before, not completely but a lot… And they try to understand, to comfort me, but in reality, no one knows what it was like then and what it’s like now. The way I feel about everything that has happened in my life. The things I couldn’t control and the things I could. That empty space in my chest that I have to face every single day. That split second every morning when I forget that you’re gone and how alone I actually am. I’m afraid to open up to people, to give them my trust. I’m always abandoned, I don’t why but it must be my fault. I’m left behind by the people who were supposed to care about me the most. Why would you do that to someone who is already broken as it is? I trusted all of you. Why’d you leave me? My heart is repeatedly broken. I can’t remember the last time I felt whole. And this isn’t just about a boy. This is about my friends and my family too. I’m ALONE. And the one person who can relate and who can really comfort me is gone. And not by choice but taken. Or was that my fault too? Could I have prevented what happened? This question eats me up inside and it’s one of the reasons I’ve drifted so far apart from my parents. They feel responsible but so do I. I know, deep down, it wasn’t our fault, but at the same time, it really was. All of these things contributed to how he felt, the same way I felt then and still feel now. All of these thoughts in my head, they’re so hard to even keep up with. It’s all of these things that have me feeling empty. The grief, the guilt, the loneliness. And Idk how to fix it. I’ve tried so many times but I can’t. I need him back in my life more than I need anything else. Why did he have to be taken from me? He was the only person who understood. I want my brother back.
Sometimes, when I start to think about everything in my life that has gone wrong and everything in my life that has the potential to go wrong, I feel like a small fish in this huge ocean where everything is out of my control. How am I ever going to get through it all? I feel so helpless which leads me to feel hopeless. Which makes me depressed. It’s this continous cycle of emotions and thoughts in my head. I know I’m doing this to myself but I don’t know how to stop. So many things are out of my control, how am I possibly going to achieve anything. Ever. It’s these negative thoughts that eat me up inside and keep me up at night. Everyone around me seems to have it so easy and here I am struggling day after day. Struggling with things they will never understand. I want to feel strong. I want to be hopeful and optimistic. But I can’t tell if I’m being a realist or pessimistic. I need help.
